What is it that I truly desire? Where do I see myself? I keep on saying that I want to achieve my dreams and move on with my life, but at twenty-five, I am still living under my parents’ roof and feeling like I was ten years ago; hopeless and caged.
Malaysia went through the third lockdown since the pandemic began. During the first lockdown, I didn’t feel any burden hitting me yet. I was privileged enough to have my salary going, food on the table and a roof over my head. Working in retail was exhausting, so getting a bit of “holiday” during then, which was what I seek it out to be - was very relieving.
As for PKP 2.0, it happened during the beginning of this year, back in January. After managing to get zero cases, we somehow - you know what happened - spiked up to hundreds, then thousands of Covid-Positive cases. All I remember was having a slight mental breakdown due to not being able to get productive again for the start of the year. My mindset literally was ‘New year, New Me’. Quite cliche and typical, but after having to spend 2020 with the pandemic, the little hope of cliche is what I hang on to.
Four months into the year, I met a guy. After going through many failed dates, I wasn’t very hopeful on this one. You can instantly click with a man and think he’s great, having the same interest and energy… Eventually having them asking you for something else and not a relationship. I expected it to be the same.
We’re dating now. Anyways…
In May we went into our third lockdown, and boy is this one the most exhausting. Not only did I manage to find a boyfriend, but we haven’t even seen each other for more than five times and we can’t go out anymore. Other than that, despite the mall being closed, we were still asked to work at the warehouse. Telling us that we are “makan gaji buta” and not doing anything at home doesn’t help either. I thought the second lockdown was exhausting, but I never saw this third one being even more detrimental to my thoughts and motivation.
Stagnant. My life has been stagnant for the past year and a half. To some, they might say that it is okay because we have been through something difficult. I had my opportunities and privileges and I didn’t make full use of it. I want to grow, I want to heal, I want to get out. I haven’t love myself as much as I should when I had the many chances to change myself. I am grateful that I finally found someone who love me for me, but if I can’t be proud of my own self, I will never get to be completely content with myself.
Right now, I need and want validation from myself. For the past two days, after being back at work, I find myself slowly creeping back into sadness. It’s probably because when I left my mentality at work before the lockdown, it was myself being unsatisfied where I am with life… And now it’s like returning to the crime scene. I feel a shadow behind me at work, telling myself I am not good enough, I am not competent. The things that I cried about after having an exhausting couple of weeks back in May before the lockdown, they are slowly creeping in.
I am absolutely not where I want to be right now. So, what is it that I truly desire and where do I see myself?
There are three things that I am wishing and praying for:-
1) A new job where I am content and can express my creative self. Specifically seeking jobs for writers, content-creators, etc.
2) Moving out of this goddamn hell-hole and finally live independently without having to live my life through someone else or commit non-sensically. Specifically a loft with real cute furnitures and a kitty.
3) To continue my studies and get my masters. At this point I really don’t care where in the world as long as I have my heart to gain knowledge and passion.
It is August the 18th now. Businesses are slowly reopening, the nation are getting vaccinated and hopefully we will reach herd immunity soon. We are about to hit 3/3 of the year, and I am still… Here.
I wish to at least be a better version of myself by the year ends. I don’t want to be stagnant. I want to make a name for myself and live my life the way I want to. Wallowing in my. what-ifs has to end and to do so, I need to push myself make every decision from here on out for me.
