bedridden.

It's the word I use when people ask me how I've been. I've been M.I.A from writing here because I have been really distraught. However, if you are interested in my whereabouts, feel free to follow me on my other social medias, I'm quite active there.

Where do I even begin telling you about the past month...

I was visited by an old friend. It comes quite often and I always welcome it because the presence comforts me. I kept myself in my room, I never have the mood to go out. Although it's raya, it's also the first time I didn't feel like seeing any of my relatives. I loved going back kampung to see my grandparents, but with the state I'm in, I'm not excited for anything at all.

The past month has just been horrific. Despite the fact that I tried surrounding myself with my high school friends, I always come back to this sorrow feeling. For those of you who don't know (or read my Tweets lol), two words: College. Drama.

People just never learn to grow up, do they?

Anyway, because of that I've been demotivated to go to classes. Stayed home. Slept a lot. Cried a lot. Been anxious a lot. I didn't go to classes for three weeks because of this. That's how much I cared. However, today I did built up ALL of my courage and will to go to class. I needed to get things settled before I go for Hajj. I still felt anxious today, but I talked to other relevant people and I felt a whole lot better. I talked to my H.O.D as well and told him I made the decision to take a break, he was very supportive, Alhamdulillah.

On the other hand, I try to see the good in other things. The Fam has been giving me a lot of love, my brothers have been supportive, the No Chill gang has been no chill as usual and cheered me up without trying. Truly grateful for all of these people in my life, and if other people can't see the best in me, to hell with it. All I'm doing now is looking forward to the next month.

Other than my mood of despair, I'm slowly trying to get better. This storm come and goes, but I always look past it eventually, insyaAllah.

I'd like to say thank you to all those who wished me well and those who sent me cute messages and notes. I really appreciate it and I can't describe how grateful I am.

Until then, lots of love. Xx

May Favourites 2016

Ramadhan Kareem, everybody! I hope the start of the holy month is treating you well. So far, things have been going up and down, but I guess that's how the universe works. Allah takes away something, but he gives you another. Speaking of which, Nisa and Raihan pulled the surprise of the year. Yes, they're back, and I'm more than happy to spend all my time just seeing everyone's faces. I'd say the funniest and best one goes to Raihan. Supposedly, we were meant to have dinner at Shah Alam but ended up at her house with her stinky face showing up at the door, but it was worth it. The things you do for the people you love...

That's the reason why I've been m.i.a and been keeping this post for long. I did so much last week, but moving on... I sort of want to start doing a favourites post. I've had the idea for my YouTube channel but since I'm not posting videos anymore, I decide to write down the stuff that I have been loving for the past month. Fair warning, I wanted to do a cool layover/aesthetic/tumblr photo of all my favourite things, but like I said, I don't have the time and I want to get this post up as soon as possible. I'll try and link photos wherever I can!

MAY FAVES '16

1. So, this first item kind of let me down this past weekend. It's a pair of platforms that I bought from Brands Outlet. However, the pros are way more than the cons. So, the retail price rates at RM 49.90, but this was a promotion for a Buy 1 Free 1, and I got a pair of sandals for when I perform pilgrimage. Haven't tried those yet, so I'll keep you updated. Basically, the price a pair is RM25-ish. The shoes are black and the platforms are about 3 inches. It's all made of rubber and the front strap is sequin, the strap of the shoes are made of velcro. Just imagine something like this with sequins on the top strap and a velcro buckle. I wore these to the Little Mix concert (which, by the way, was FREAKING AMAZING), and it did not hurt my feel at all! Since the material is rubber, it feels bouncy and the platforms are high so the bottom of my feet doesn't sore by the end of the concert. Plus, it gives me the proper height I need. Even though it's great at most angles, it is a cheap pair of shoes. Since I've been lasak, the strap... Haih... b r o k e. But, nothing like some UHU should fix the problem. The main reason these pair are my absoloute fave is because my previous shoes were such a disappointment, and I'm talking about the ones I got from Cotton On and H&M... What a let down, although Cotton On does have really great sales right now, so that should correlate.
2. These next items have something to do with scents. I'd love to show you my fragrance collection one day, but in order to do that, we'll need some super high-tech that allows y'all to smell things. Step you game up, 21st Century! Believe it or not, these eau de toilette are from Zara. Yes, ZARA. And they're pretty cheap, too! I bought two because I was unable to hold myself back. When I see a shelf full of beautiful scents, I go crazy. I spent about fifteen minutes deciding what to choose, when I eventually bought two. So, the first one is called Apple Juice and it smells like, you guessed it, apples. Just imagine DKNY's Be Delicious, but less strong and a bit more sweet. It comes with the prettiest little packaging, at that's what got me. It's apple green on the top half and just these palm leaves on the other half. Très chic. The other one is called Joyful Tuberose, which is from the Weekend Collection. The packaging is definitely simple, but still pretty. It's hard for me to describe the scent because I think it's a gender neutral scent. It has a tiny bit of musk but is still very sweet as well, which is great because I've never own a fragrance like this before. So, moment of truth... Retail prices are at... *drum rolls* RM 45.90!!! For a 100ml? Come on, that's the best deal. Even the mini rollers from Sephora costs more. However, these are eau de toilettes, so it doesn't last the whole day, but it's still as strong as a regular parfum.
3. As for makeup, I haven't got a lot of products to venture around because #brokepeopleprobs but a friend of mine came back from the UK and got me some cheek products! One of which is the Rimmel London Natural Bronzer in the shade Sun Bronze which I think is the darkest shade. I first bought this product two years ago when I was in London and I was so obsessed with it! Of course, I couldn't get any Rimmel products here and not a lot of drugstore brands sell bronzers (if there are any and you could suggest me some, please do!). Not only that it's cheap, but it gives me the perfect amount of sculpt on the hollows of my cheeks. 
4. The next item is also another product from which my friend gave me, and it's the Makeup Revolution Vivid Bake Highlighter in the shade Golden Lights. This has been the best thing ever. At first I thought I didn't like it because it has a yellow undertone but the more I wear it the more I realize how it matches my cheek bones. Also, it's a nice transition from using the highlighters on eyeshadow palettes. She bought me another highlighter as well, which is the Undress Your Skin Shimmer Highlighter by Makeup Academy in Opalescent Amber which is a pink highlight. I've tried it once, and I thought it was a little too light so I usually use this one to highlight my brow bone if I were to do a "no makeup" makeup.
5. This one is a bit old school, but still gold. One of my favourites this past month has been the Revlon Colorstay Foundation. The shade I have is in Golden Beige and my goodness, I forgot how amazing the coverage is! Not only that, but it does last quite a long time. I transitioned from foundation to BB Creams to BB Cushions and I never liked the base I have, but somehow this old product has worked fantastically. Is it just me? I definitely need to go back and get another. 
6. Aside from fashion and makeup, I've also been obsessed with a few other things. A few weeks ago, I was hanging out with a friend of mine and she turned on some jams. She played Blackbear. I only know one Blackbear song which is idfc and all I thought was "This is such a white fckboii song." but my friend played other of his tunes and I loved it. Some of the songs I'm obsessed with are 4u, 90210, NYLA and idfc Acoustic. I listen to this in the morning when I drive to college and it gets me in the best mood. So, if you ever wanna hear a white boy complain, this is your chance.

And that's all the favourites that I have. I hope I don't forget to make more favourites soon. And I hope I can get to show you guys photos instead of doing a bad job describing them!

Twenty things before twenty.

It's almost five o'clock in the morning. I spent the whole day in bed today because even though I don't feel too good since my birthday celebration was a real rager, I actually woke up half an hour late to class, so I figured it's too late to go anyway. Or I'm just a real pemalas. It's my birthweek, I have the right to do as I please.

I haven't posted anything although I've drafted quite a few things. I wanted to talk about my mental health since May is an awareness month, but I didn't know how to format the words to not make it seem like I'm over my head with my feelings. I'll post it sometime soon, though.

Anyway, since I turned twenty on Tuesday, I've come up with a list in the beginning of the year of all the things I've learned.

Credits: http://favim.com/image/3443101/

1. There's a time and place for everything. It's your choice to be able to express what you're feeling. Sadness, anger, happiness, etc. but, if everyone else came here to have a good time, don't be too much of a party pooper.
2. Never lose your passion. Don't seek the worst in yourself. If you love what you're doing, always aim to be better. Don't ever let those who you think are better than you destroy your creativity. 
3. Always seek for the truth. The world has a lot to say about everything, but not everything is real or right.
4. It's okay to get demotivated sometimes. It's normal. It happens. 
5. But, motivate yourself instead of going to people for help. Learn to help yourself.
6. There will always be someone out there better than you. Don't let the feeling of pride comfort you. Gain knowledge from those who know better. "Don't let the fear of striking out keep you from playing the game."
7. When in doubt, when you're stressed out, step outside and take a look at nature. Although it's corrupted; beautiful on the outside, ugly on the inside, Malaysia is such a beautiful country. Think of it as a source to be grateful and be blessed.
8. This is cliché, but it's okay to let go. Yet, it's okay to hold on as long as it doesn't damage you. Holding on makes me find my muse for journaling. All these emotions should be kept somewhere, and it belongs in my little black book.
9. Cutting out people with negative energy is not easy, especially with those who you've known for a long time. It's not easy staying positive, and that's okay.
10. Baby steps are important. If you're not satisfied with where you are in life, take the time to slowly find yourself. 
11. I once saw a retweet saying "Draw like you aren't going to post it online." In my case, write like I'm not going to post it online, which basically means, don't worry too much of what other people may think about your work. Do the best you can and take criticism from a positive perspective.
12. Learn to travel/wander and find yourself. Traveling will expand your imagination. And it doesn't necessarily mean going on a plane. It could be a road trip to Terengganu or even walking about Bangsar. There are so many places to be discovered.
13. Learn to do things on your own. Don't be too scared to do things alone, although, this is quite a tough decision for me. I'm afraid of doing things alone because I'm tiny and I seem vulnerable, but it's time to grow up. 
14. If you're going to do stupid things, do it responsibly. Don't drag other people into your problems.
15. "Life is what happens when you're too busy making other plans." The things you plan for won't turn out accordingly. It's great to keep goals, but take yourself off the steering wheel and let life bounce itself out.
16. Always put yourself in someone else's shoes.
17. NEVER RELY ON ANYONE FOR ANYTHING. It's okay to be selfish because at the end of the day, there's only you. 
18. Appreciate all the little things. Say your pleases and thank you's. Always be kind, be patient and love all.
19. Keep your circle small. It's alright to have a large group of friends, but those who know your true feelings, keep them to limited amount of people.
20. Always thank your parents, thank God and appreciate your friends. They are the ones who will be there in times of despair.

I've been coughing really badly since two weeks ago and I completely lost my voice. It's fine now but the coughing still wouldn't stop and I feel like dying. 

My birthday this year was better than last year's. I spent last year with my family, and it ended up with me being grumpy, as usual. I spent this year with friends from college and the fam. I didn't plan for this birthday to be a big celebration, I wanted a chill day. I ended up getting what I wanted, though; well wishes, birthday cards, meals I didn't have to pay for, money, and the most important thing - balloons! I did want the numbered ones like in the photo for my estetik, but I'll get them next year, if God wills.

Anyway, here's to the next nine years of my twenties. May it be blessed with happiness and good vibes, and contentment. Not looking forward to it, but adulthood, come at me.

confessions: you're something to remember.

I had a friend, once. She died of cancer.

I don't know exactly when she came into my life, but I know she has always been there. It's sad. I can't remember her much. All I can remember is that we were in the same class for the first three years of primary. She was beautiful. She had pale skin and short hair, and she was a prefect like I was. I remember in Year 3, it was a rainy day. I sat with her at the front of the class. I think it was a free period. We couldn't stop singing Simple Plan's Shut Up when it first came out. It was one of those memories. It was a pointless time, but it's the only thing I remember most. At least I didn't remember her when she was sick. I actually never knew she was sick, until one day, we had an assembly. I noticed that there was something different about her. I noticed that her face looked bloated. I didn't know what was wrong with her, so I asked. And she told me. And she didn't seem scared. She told me she was sick and had a tumor in her brain. I didn't know what that was. I didn't know it could take lives away. I just told her to get better soon, and walked away. And that was the last conversation I had with her. During Year 4 and Year 5, I had moved into an upper class. I got separated from the people who were in Lili. I made new friends. I was accepted into a new chapter on a different book. I wish I had knew what a tragedy it was. I wish I knew that I should spend the last few moments knowing her. Nothing seemed bad when I was that age. And then the news hit me. I never went to her funeral. I wanted to believe it wasn't real.

I had a friend, once. We fell apart.

I met her when I was in kindergarten. I think I was five. She was small and loud. We became best friends and were inseparable. In (I think) 2004, she had to move to another school. I remember always visiting her during school holidays. We'd go swimming in her backyard. There was a time when her pool turned green, and of course we couldn't use the pool. So, we pretended to have a photoshoot near the pool, instead... I was clumsy enough that I fell into her dirty pool and dragged her sister along. Ever since then, it was always a story that came up every time we got the chance to meet. There were also times we baked cookies and played with her rabbits. There were so many childhood memories spent with this kid. In 2009, we were truly reunited in the same school. We were in different classes, but still next to each other. That's when I realized, people do change and don't share common grounds anymore. We didn't end things on a bad note, but we just grew up and grew apart. I think that if we were to reunite again soon, nothing would be different. We spent a childhood together, we could spend an adulthood together too. Sadly, we're just two different people who are away from each other.

I had a friend, once. We were in love.

I still talk about him. I still write about him. To those who truly know me, they will understand what kind of emotions I am dealing with. It's painful. And it's my fault, for the most part. He isn't the ideal guy that I thought I'd be with, but he was perfect. We got together when I was fourteen. We ended things when we were fifteen. Thinking about it now, I don't even know what he ever saw in me. All I ever did was try and start a flame, and I was never sorry for that. I was constantly angry at him because all I ever wanted was for him to be with me. I ended things because I didn't want to be potentially fucked over. He eventually started dating other girls, but we rekindled our friendship in early 2014. It was the best first half of my year. My feelings grew and I got scared. Eventually, I decided to runaway from those feelings because deep down, I know it's never meant to be. I ran away from him. I know I've hurt him in a way. But I was hurting too, from not getting what I want. I still wonder how he is. One of our mutual friends asked him the possibility of us having a friendship again. His answer disappointed me. It's not that he said no. He said that he has no problem with it now. And I know why. Because he's finally moved on. It's easy for him to act like I wasn't being stupid, but it's not easy for me to pretend that I'm okay he's happier without me. I'm glad he's happy, though. I will always be. Maybe one day I'll realize that I have to let go, eventually. But, for now... I can admit that it's comfortable thinking about him. I could consider him as a muse for my heartache.

I had a friend, once. I decided to grow up.

Turning eighteen has made so many differences in my life. I start to realize the people who are worth my time. Sometimes, people just treat you like shit. Either without thinking or on purpose, it still hurts. This friend, I didn't knew her when we were younger, although we were in the same primary. I got close to her when I was fourteen. I never knew how much difference two people can have, until one starts showing their true colors to the other. I guess it's the fantasy that she's been living in. She has made multiple of stupid decisions, and I guess it was my fault for not telling her. I guess it was my fault thinking she didn't need my help. Maybe she still doesn't. Being with a person you really care about who makes you unhappy and uncomfortable can really fuck you over for days. You start doubting yourself. You start doubting the friendship. I don't tell her why because she has a way of not caring. You think you're important to someone, but you're actually not. It sucks because I know the extent she went through. I tried to take her rants and college drama on a collective level, but eventually... It's just the same, stupid, boring crap over and over again. It's pointless to advice. It's pointless to share your thoughts. I wouldn't I'm mad at her, I have no right to be. I guess she taught me a little to be selfish of your own feelings. And that's exactly what I managed to do. Putting yourself first over anybody else is better than to have an emotional roller coaster with them. And I guess that's the first step of me making my own decision to leave people who bring negativity into my life.

I understand that I have done things. I understand that some things are my fault. But we can't only put myself to blame here. I've destroyed bridges, hoping to build new ones, but I'm the kind of person who will stay still and only overthink of my next action, instead of doing something about it.

for the lucky ones.

*Note: I wrote this a couple of days ago. It was two o'clock in the morning. I was emotional and tired. I didn't want to edit anything else because it's hard for me to think of the perfect amount of words and description for this particular piece. Also, this is the first sort of "story", if you will, that I wrote since a very long time. My writing skills are yet to be completely oiled. This was inspired by a song, Angels by Mayday Parade. You could consider this as a raw material. I will try and perfect it and add more things whenever I have the time. Also, I have been writing a lot recently. Mostly on my journal. But, if you want to check out my other pieces, click my Tumblr here. A little warning, though... There are tons of emo stuff. Lots of love, Soph.

For years, I imagined this day would come.

The hall of the mosque that is used for various occasions are decorated with beautiful sets of flowers. All of them went with a theme, purple and white, and so did I, wearing a purple dress that was simple, yet elegant enough.

Some of the family members are busy tidying up the place and getting some final things done before the big event starts, and others have filled the hall by sitting patiently for the ceremony to begin. There is no need for anymore attention to the decorations. It was already time, and everything looks perfect the way it is.

I took a quick minute and step out of the hall to look for the man I love. The situation outside was no different than it was inside. I saw a group of men hustling themselves, fixing their samping and songkok. My eyes caught a glimpse of the best man giving the groom a pep talk. There he stood, the man of the night, at the end of the aisle. He looks even more handsome than he already is, yet I can tell how nervous he was. I took all of the courage and bravery to talk to him, even though I know it’s not the right time. He shifted his eyes from his best man towards me. My heart pounded even more than it should be.

“You know you’re not supposed to be here,” he joked. I just laughed. I couldn’t form any words to say. I just can’t believe it’s all happening. Right now.

He gave me a twirl and asked “Do I look okay?”

“You look like you’re ready for this.” I said.

“I am… And I hope you are too.”

Just as he was, I can feel my anxiety bubbling up a little too much. I feel so overwhelmed by everything that irrelevant questions start to appear. Is this too soon? Is this even right? But as usual, I left these questions unanswered.

“It’s going to be amazing,” I said, looking him in the eyes. “I promise.”

“I know,” he told me. “I can’t wait to start a new life with the woman I truly love.”

Our conversation is interrupted by the best man telling everyone to get ready. The groomsmen, certain family members and the man I am sure I am in love with will be walking down the aisle in less than two minutes. It was a hectic atmosphere but everyone was excited and happy.

“That’s my cue. I’ll see you in a bit, yeah?” he asked me assuringly. I just nodded. That’s the only movement my muscles are able to do. He gave me one last smile and got into position. The kompang starts playing and everybody knows that’s a sign of the beginning of a beautiful Malay wedding.

Him and the groomsmen entered the hall with confidence. The groomsmen placed all of the deliveries such as a pair of embroider shoes for the bride, a set of makeup and telekung on the floor carefully next to the deliveries from the bride’s side. As he takes his seat by the tok kadi, the solemnisation begins. It’s showtime.

After the exchange of poetry and discussions of the deliveries, it was time for the main part of the occasion, the welcoming of the bride. These next few minutes are the heaviest of my life.

Along with everyone else in the hall, I saw his eyes shifting to the entrance, just as where I stood. I look behind to where I was standing, and there she was. The love of his life. As she makes her way into the hallway, she noticed me. She gave me a smile and whispered, “I’m glad you made it.” And again, the only muscles that I was able to use were the movements of my head, nodding and hiding the fact that this whole situation pains me.

As everything else went along, I couldn’t pay anymore attention to what was happening. I felt like I was dreaming a nightmare. All I could think about was the three years he and I shared. Was it all a waste? Or were they the best years of my life? He was the space that filled in a void. I tortured myself thinking that I had to get away from him. I wanted to prevent myself from being hurt that I eventually hurt myself. But I guess he gets the last laugh.

I came back to my senses when I heard people started clapping and saying ‘Alhamdulillah’. My eyes never left him. I want to see his face one last time. He stood up and searched about the room, finally placing his eyes on mine. I gave him a big smile and mouthed “Congrats,” while giving him a thumbs up.

And that’s that. He is officially another woman’s husband.

As everyone in the hall is satisfied with the ceremony, I turned around and walked away, but unlike the last time I did this, I don’t expect him to chase me like how he never did.

Stress Awareness Month: How I "Deal" With Stress.

I've drafted a few posts that I thought of posting, but I was thinking nah since they're too emotional. I want to end this month on a good note. A lot of shit happened and I want to talk about it here but I think I've drained myself from talking about it to other people.

My finals are around the corner. Literally. It's on the 25th. Which explains why I've been lacking on blogging. I guess I don't know how to be consistent. I need a specific routine for these things because my life is in shambles.

But, here's how this post is gonna go... Did you guys know it's Stress Awareness Month? Crazy how that falls on the last month of my first year. So, I'll be talking about how I deal with my stress. This was an idea I wanted to do as a video, but I don't have the confidence (or energy at this point) to sit in front of a camera and talk. And I am also a lazy piece of shit. Update on camera: It still doesn't have a charger.

Here's the truth. I don't know how to actually deal with my stress.

I've noticed that at every end of the semester, it's the time to let everything out. Depression comes by and say hello. Anxiety knocks on the door when I give presentations. So, here are a few ways and tips on how I deal with stress.

1. Think about all the bad stuff, then cry at night. Scream while crying. Or just stress laugh. Trust me, stress laugh will get the weight off your shoulders, but only for a little while. Then, sleep.
2. Drop everything. Keep yourself away from priorities. Seriously, if I have too much to do, and I overthink about the stuff that I should do, I just go "Fuck it."
3. Re-evaluate what you're actually doing with your life. Rethink. Re-do, if possible.
4. Procrastinate, obviously. I've been watching Baby Daddy this past week and I'm at the end of season three. Can't wait for Riley-Danny drama.
5. Avoid everybody and ignore all the friends I have. I've recently deleted my Twitter app because too many fake bitches going around. What is this, high school?
6. Pray and ask Him "Why?!"
7. Make lists for stuff to do or watch during the two week semester break. I need to cram a lot of things to do before the new semester because Afreena will be home (yay!!!) and my next month will be my birthday month.
8. Find out your friend who claims to tell you that she doesn't even study for quizzes and tests just so you feel comfortable you didn't too, but she gets the highest fucking score.
9. Eat. A lot.

You may find some of the things in common from the list above, but there are reasons that these ways makes me better and stronger once I've come to my senses. I try to end things positively. And here's how they've helped.

1. Letting everything out is the best way to deal with stress. I will actually feel better. I may start feeling shitty at first, but after that, I'll say to myself "Fuck these people, I'm going to do my own thing." And this works especially if I'm dealing with tardiness in a group work.
2. Drop everything because I need time to step away from a very negative zone. Stress brings a lot of bad vibes, and once I leave stuff, I try and not let it follow me and not overthink. I'll listen to music or go for a run or generally just be outdoors.
3. This is where I start to really think of what I'm going to do with my life. I keep thinking about my future and goals and the fact that I won't stop for anything to achieve them.
4. We all do this. We all procrastinate. It's a given, we're all lazy pieces of shits. At the end of the day, I don't want to think about all the things I have to deal with. So, I take time for myself to watch a comedy. Seeing other people's lives getting wrecked will make me feel better. I also watch bad auditions from reality singing shows or My Strange Addiction to make myself a hundred times better. Also, I tend to do my work at the last minute. This kinda gives me the energy to think quicker and get stuff done faster. And there are perks to my procrastination like cleaning my entire room. 
5. Twitter has been the least of my worries lately. I deleted the app ever since I know what it's like to be victimized as an "indirect tweet". And twitter has a lot of bad vibes as well. Everyday, there would be an idiot who would retweet stupid, irrelevant shit. I've muted and blocked way too many people to even care. Plus, deleting the app made me have more time for more important things in my life.
6. Praying is obviously very important. Komi taught me that without faith & belief, there would be no success. I'm still trying to complete all five in a day. When praying, I try my hardest to not think about what to do after because then, I wouldn't be kusyuk. And whenever after I pray, I would take the time to sit on the praying mat and just think.
7. Making lists are fun! I've written down what shows to binge-watch, what stuff to do for my birthday, places to go with Afreena, books to read. And I write these all on my 2016 diary since it'll be easier for me to refer back on what to do. Making lists will make me feel excited for the things yet to come.
8. This step is specific for a reason. Once I find out that there is someone actually better than me at what I love studying, I get competitive. Which is a good thing, personally. I have to beat her because she claims to say one thing then achieves another. It's not fair because I feel betrayed for a reason. And because of that "betrayal", I want to be the best at everything.
9. Just eat a lot. Chocolates, sushi, burgers, tom yam, kuey teow. Any of these makes me happy.

There you go. Now you know my secret.

I never know how to end a blog post, so I'll end it with a random fact about me.

I never had a nose bleed. I was thinking about this when I was watching She's The Man and I've been wondering what if ever since.

Stay tuned for my next post, which will probably be next month, insyaAllah.

International Women's Day: The story of the Ohio Slave Girls

I admit that I am a day late, but that does not stop me from celebrating all the women around the world.

Today is a lazy day for me. I woke up at twelve, which was a bit annoying since I was supposed hunt for a job, but that's mistake. Wednesdays are always lazy days for me, unless I have mengaji class. 

So, what did I do today?

As usual, I was on Youtube and I came across this video. The title caught my eye and I was very intrigued. Well, I'm always intrigued when it comes to crime cases.

If you're on mobile and you're not able to click on the link, then, this is the story about three girls held captive for ten years.

Ten years.

Of course, I had to know the story. Most of the time, I watch videos from the criminal's side. Survivor stories are really rare and this is one is an incredible story. Amanda Berry, Gina DeJesus and Michelle Knight, known as the Ohio Slave Girls were held captive by a man named Ariel Castro in the beginning 2003 until they finally made it out in 2013. Ariel's first victim was Michelle, then a year later he kidnapped Amanda and after that year, he took Gina. 

The eery part of this story is that Castro, in my opinion, had the actual life of Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde. He didn't come off as creepy or taunting. He was a part of the community. Everybody in the neighbourhood knew who he was. He seemed friendly and normal to everyone. He even came to the family of the victim when they had their loss, and I think that even though he didn't show any signs of a criminal, I don't think that he's just acting around them. I really think that something on his mind went off. He didn't have an evil mind because the girls would have been dead by now, but somehow he just never killed them. He just wanted to have fun with them. Castro was going through a divorce and maybe that might have something to do with his intentions. Maybe he felt like he just lost everything.

Out of all girls, I have to say that I feel sorry towards Michelle the most and I think everyone who has seen the documentary would say the same. All of the girls were strong. They got through that nightmare together. Even though they went through the same thing, Michelle went through way worst things.

Michelle was raped and bullied when she was younger. She was also disowned. She had a baby named Joey when she was eighteen but lost custody over him. Michelle went through a lot, and I cannot stress that so much. When she was missing, she said and I quote "Nobody came looking for me." She didn't get as much attention as the other two girls did in the media. Not saying that Gina and Amanda didn't deserve it but they all went through the same thing and they should get the same coverage. But, because of the fact that Michelle's family didn't seem to bother with her, she didn't get that attention. Do you know how fucked up that is? No one should be left abandoned.

She did have a family, though. She had the two girls.

However, throughout all the things she went through, she came off as a beautiful woman. When I saw her interview, I couldn't help cry tears of joy because of how strong she was. If I were to be in her shoes, I wouldn't have made it. I would've told myself that this is the way that I am going to leave this world. She had so much weight on her shoulder and I absolutely applaud and respect her.

During the ten years, Amanda was pregnant with Castro's baby. The baby was delivered by Michelle and during that time, Castro favored Amanda more than her and so during the session, he had a gun held to a girl in her twenties who had no medical practice and said "If this baby doesn't come out alive and healthy, I will shoot you." I think it's the fact that no one came looking for Michelle was why he had the pleasure of abusing her but also the fact that Amanda was giving birth to his daughter whom from a neighbor's perspective that he had loved so much for. However, through all that emotions, all three girls were happy that a baby girl named Josie was born. I think Josie was literally the life of all that happened. I think that Josie gave these girls a bit more hope, especially to her mother, Amanda.

And Josie was the real hero.

Sometimes Castro would leave the girls' doors unattended. He would leave it unlocked but whenever Amanda tries to build up all her bravery to go out, he would be right by the door and would see her, then punish her. However, Josie got the privilege to go around the house since he had nothing against that little girl. She was his daughter, after all. One day, Josie decided to find Castro and maybe ask him something.

But, she couldn't find him.

She came running to Amanda and said "Mommy, daddy's blue truck isn't here."

But Amanda told Josie to go look for him in the back of the house.

And that's when Amanda knew she had the opportunity to get help and get. the fuck. out.

She ran downstairs and it was clear that Castro carelessly left the house, but the front door was locked. She then proceeded to scream "Help! I'm Amanda Berry!" and the neighbour opposite the house knew something was wrong. The neighbour beside the house heard her and helped her. During this time, Gina heard Amanda screaming but proceeded to watch TV. I think she was too scared of the outcome whether Amanda would make it out in time Castro comes back. You can find the full vision of Amanda's escape in the documentary. Once she got to the neighbour's house, holding Josie by her side, she got a hold of 911 and told the police to immediately come to Castro's house. They got in and searched and Gina was really afraid if it was Castro. Michelle built the courage to go out of her room and see whether it was him or not. But, she saw the police and stared at them. Then, came hustling towards them.

They were safe. They were free.

As for Ariel Castro? He pleaded guilty and was sentenced to prison for one thousand years.

He then committed suicide using the bed sheets in his cell.

In honor of International Women's day, I share this story with you guys. This is a story of three girls surviving their worst nightmare. This is the story of three girls staying strong through the most ugliest moments of their life. I don't think any of us can imagine losing ten years of life. These girls had to start again. They had to learn to breathe, eat and sleep. They had to learn that the nightmare is over. When you watch the interview, you will understand the pain, but then you will realize that if these women can survive these challenges they were set to face, then I think that all of us can go through day by day facing the ones we have.

From me to you, happy International Women's Day. Let's not bring each other down rather we should help each other out.

February Update: Where have I been?

Hello, there! Wow, it feels a little strange getting back on this blog. Nevertheless, I'm quite excited to /attempt/ writing again.

There are a few things I'd like to clarify on this post.

The past February has been such a whirlwind roller coaster. In the beginning of the month, the fam bam and I took a road trip to Johor for Chinese New Year, then spent a day at Universal Studios in Singapore. It was crazy fun and the trip was chill, aside the typical bickering between my mum and I, but we got through. We always do. We spent just four days there but it wasn't enough. No adventure is enough for me. Anyway, I was busy the whole Chinese New Year break. Right after getting back from the trip, Alya's sister and Cynta's brother had their wedding. Not together, obviously. That'll be one hell of a family reunion. Alya's sister's wedding was fantastic. I love seeing diverse culture coming together. We even had an after-party, but that's a story between those who were there and I. Cynta's brother's wedding was chill, which was like a debrief for the previous night. However, the lamb was so good. You know me, anything involving a poor little young sheep is something I simply cannot pass. The week was busy for me that I haven't got time to do anything and that includes assignments (per-usual. I'm a procrascinator) and uploading my videos.

Which brings me to my YouTube channel. If you don't know already, I do have a YouTube channel which you can find if you click here. Here's the thing. I have a list of video ideas and a schedule for when to upload them. Right after the trip, I was struggling to edit. Let me tell you something, editing vlogs, especially montage vlogs are completely difficult. I want to make it look good, but footages are crap and the hardest part is finding a bomb ass song to fit into the blog because there are so many good songs to choose from. I was thinking of filming an update video, but you are already reading this, plus the charger for my battery is missing - which I think I might have left it back in Johor, oops - so, the only hope I have is my iPhone. I really don't want to use it because a) quality isn't what I hope for my channel and b) my storage is really tight. However, I am editing the vlog and I am trying my best to get it uploaded on Saturday. There has just been too much happening lately. I do feel guilty about not uploading, but a friend told me that I should upload whenever I feel like uploading and since it's my channel, I should do what I want to, and I will. So, I apologize for the inconsistency.

Other things that has happened involved college, but let's not talk about that since that is basically the reason behind my "disappearance" from social media.

I hope you guys have a lovely night ahead, wherever you are and I hope you guys enjoy the little Spotify Playlist I made for my blog. You can find my other updates on my twitter, and you can also find other of my writing stuff on my tumblr, but I warn you, there's a lot of emo stuff. Thanks for reading xx