It's the year 2020...

There can only be one reason and one reason only why I am writing again.

This is the year 2020. There has been a virus outbreak. Nationwide, rulers urge their people to stay at home as this is deadly. The world is ceasing to exist...

Well, alright. Part of it is not true such as the sole reason for me to write again is because of a pandemic, but the rest of it is happening. We are all told to keep ourselves safe and quarantined at home for two weeks.

It's the year 2020. You would think there's much to do at home. There is not, for me at least.

So, now I'm here. Trying to keep myself sane by writing my thoughts and feelings. To be fair, I really have been thinking of writing again.

It's the year 2020. You would think that I've gotten my shit together.

I really miss writing. Right now, placing my fingers on my mum's old laptop, typing on these keyboards... It feels sort of liberating. I can't tell you the countless Twitter drafts and iPhone notes that I have saved. Countless!

What sucks about keeping your thoughts in your phone is that is is easily deleted. If I accidentally log out of Twitter, goodbye drafts. If my phone is incapable of storage, goodbye notes.

Today is quarantine day... Two? Three? I can't tell. Turtles move quicker than the days are.

The project of getting my shit together has been on hold for the longest of time. You would think that fourteen days would give me a pass. Unfortunately, it's classic me all over again. Demotivation. This is fairly due to knowing that I have to spend my days in my room, alone, in the dark. And since it is quarantine, I'm unable to see my friends. You would think we have speed internet and able to use group video calls properly.

It's the year 2020, technology keeps on failing us.

The first step to being productive is cleaning my room. So far, it has not been great. Flyknit found a rat and I battled two cockroaches - one fucking flew, last night. All that made me stress and end up sleeping on the couch in front of the TV.

I have some ideas up my sleeve on how I want my room to look like. Will it turn to reality? We'll find out.

Can you believe it's the year 2020? Only nine months to go.

It's the limit of the neocortex.

"The neocortex is located at the outer part of your brain. and it’s in charge of the concept of time like the age of 20 or 30. Cats don’t have a neocortex, unlike humans. So, they don’t get bored or depressed… Even if they have the same food and do the same thing… In their same house in their daily lives. Cats have neither a future or a past. “I’m 20. I’m 30. I’m turning 40 soon.” Only one kind of species on Earth locks themselves up in time. They’re human-beings. Only human-beings use age to make others spend money and draw their emotions. That’s what humans got in exchange for evolution. Whether they’re 30 or 40, it’s the same today for cats." - 이번 생은 처음이라

And that was the moment I realized that I need to seize the day. Might sound crazy to you, but I have gone through my twenty-one years of life doing what people expect, following orders, thinking about others... I have never been brave to do or say what I want. Most of it comes from the oppression of certain things, and even if I'm the type who wouldn't give a damn, I would still consider what other people would think of me and what they would say about me. I want to see a powerful change in myself. I want to see myself know that I am able to do things on my own and not depend on others. It will probably be challenging. 

Life Update.

It's funny how I only come back on here when I am trying to restart my whole life all over again. At the end of every year, I always expect something good to happen for the next year, and usually it will start off good and then it just get worse and worse and worse and worse. I can't even remember what happened the first half of this year. I only remember having my life in a routine that I did not like living in.

breathe.

it's difficult to inhale.

gasping for air is foreign now.

you feel the tears coming.

so you let out a breath
but take it back really quick.

and try to keep the tears.

you feel your throat closing.

you know what this is. it's happened before.

but it has been more frequent than ever.

usually it's easier to let the feeling go.

because before you never thought about it.

your hands are trembling. but you still shake it out.

your legs are fidgeting. you can't press on it
because your hands are trembling.

what's happening? what is happening?

your heart beats quicker and
that is all you are able to hear.

you tried inhaling again.

the throat is closed now.

you feel yourself choking.
but you're not really choking. it's just a sensation.

you start to wonder if this is real.

your hands are covering your throat now.
because you wanna know if this is real.

you inhale.

but it's

too

difficult to

gasp

for air.