Wednesday, August 5, 2015

I do not wish to be beautiful, anymore.

I should understand why I don't come off as a beautiful person be it from a lover's or a friend's perspective. I am not at all close to what I personally pertain beautiful as. I just feel that being a beautiful person is not just by their physical beauty, but by how kind and good of a heart they own.

Today, I realize that I am not someone with a beautiful set of heart or desire or soul or even beautiful set of physical features. I see it, and it's true. Which is why I don't have people gushing over me. People don't even talk about me. It's because I am not a remembered person. I am not the kind of person that people will praise on my non-existent talents. I am just not credited. I am not an interesting enough topic for people to talk about.

I am not a good person either. I have done a lot of wrong to a lot of people and to myself. I lost faith in myself and still go on my days without realizing that it could be my last. I tend to push people away to not only delete all of my feelings but also to be selfish and get what I want. I have burned bridges that could have created a path to some sort of greatness in my life. Basically, I have trouble getting my feelings in tact.

It's not the fact that I want people to talk about me. It's the fact that for once, I just wish people would say the good things and someone could get back to me about it.

Every single person who knows me and are currently reading this couldn't even name a single good thing about me even if I asked.

Surprising, huh? I may come off as confident, but deep down, I am the most insecure person in the room. You don't see it that way because I go on all the time saying how "gorgeous" or "fabulous" I look, but truth be told, all those are based on the clothes I wear and the impressive make-up skills. I may look good, but I don't feel good. I don't feel good about myself, about my body, about my face. Trying to make myself look gorgeous is exhausting.

If I were to do something about it for myself, there will always, always be something putting me down. I understand that no human is perfect. We all have our insecurities. We are not always happy about ourselves. Being confident is not as easy as it looks. I tell people to stay positive and not care about what others think. It's what I think about myself that kills me.

Maybe my physical features and personality traits are not all that matters in a beauty category but, come on... Do we all really know what beauty actually is, though?

Saturday, August 1, 2015

They call it "Omong Kosong"

This town is very pointless.

To begin with, I always hear drama everywhere I go. I turn to the left, people talk about drama at their college. *I turn to the right, people talk drama about the country. The point is, I am just so bored and sick of it. I mean, is there nothing better to talk about?

If you don't know me well, here's a tip. I tend to avoid drama which leads me to avoiding people who I know could make me end up feeling horrible about myself. If the other party feels like I'm "creating drama", then be it. I honestly don't give a shit if you are butthurt by what I have to say, because I only say the truth. It's just me being self-driven and doing things for myself.

If you want to put a label on it and call me selfish, then yes. I am. I am "selfish" for talking about what I want in life. I am "selfish" for talking about my dreams and my goals. I am "selfish" for avoiding pointless drama.

Whenever I feel like someone is putting negativity in my life, I avoid them. If you ask any of my friends, I'm pretty sure they'll tell you that I have no stories to tell whatsoever. Nothing that has to do with college life except for my studies and probably lecturer complaints, but that's a typical college student thing, isn't it?

Even if I do talk about my studies, there's literally no point because there's no support. Eg; I do something good for myself and is very proud of my achievements, but in turn, I just get ignored and they end up talking about drama, again. Like I said, it's pointless. There's no point sharing your achievements. There's. No. Point.

I might say that I have no college drama which I admit is very boring, but these things won't apply to my success. I don't waste time talking about other people.

But, if you ask them if they have any drama...

Everyone talk about things that do not even matter. Don't get me wrong, you can totally open up to me about anything. You can totally come to me and ask for advice, and I will listeneven though I don't know what's right or wrong, but I'll know what's best. But, to keep the ball rolling and constantly talk to me about relationships especially if it's someone else's and not yours? Keep that for an other time, please. Or don't ever tell me about it because at the end of the day, I don't give a shit. And guess what? No one else gives a shit, either.

People don't listen to me when I talk about positivity in my life, then why should I listen when people talk about drama which only brings negativity in their lives? Am I right?

What's worse is when people do not take my advices seriously. I'll tell them one thing, they'll say they'll do it but bada-bing, bada-boom... The situation happens again and they ask for the same advice. (This is a fuck you to those who do this. Honestly...)

I don't like creating trouble especially with the people I have known for a long time. If I ever have drama in my life, I'll wait for people to ask. If they don't, then what's the point? Like I said. No one else gives a shit, either.

Here's another tip:-

Whenever I'm quiet or on my phone when there's a conversation going, there are things going on my mind. When I'm quite, it's when I observe the most. I observe the conversations people have which - brings us back to square one, are fucking pointless.

So, if I'm quiet... I am not angry. I am not upset. I am not tired. I am just bored of the surroundings. I am just waiting for something good to happen.

"Why don't you try and start another conversation?"

About what, exactly? I want to ask people about their ambition, their goals, their dreams. I want to tell people to do what they want and be happy and proud of themselves because all of my life no one has ever done that for me. I want to tell people to stay positive and keep doing what they love because all of my life, no one has ever told me to.

But, people are so caught up with things that don't matter.

For once, I just want to find a friend who cares about other people. They don't even have to care about me at all. They can tell me facts that is world-widely known about whales or the mountains and it's a far more interesting conversation I'll have than about who is with who or who broke up with who.

I think that this town needs more people who will help people and talk about the good. There may be those kind of people here, but I'll keep that vision in my head until I actually find a person who will do better for other people. A person can just not shower for days and I would still be their friend.

Betul ke ni? Kawan dengan orang yang kotor. Tak mandi. 

If they talk about interesting stories that has a positive outcome, I would honestly be their friend. I'm not a judge-mental asshole like some people are here.

Those are the kind of people I want to get to know.  Maybe then, this town would have a point.

1:00 AM

Why am I still so hung over you? What did you ever do to me that made me end up the way I feel about you now? To say you were special would be sort of an understatement. To say you were my best friend would be untrue. To say that I loved you would be the most ridiculous thing you would ever hear coming out of my mouth.

I know that you are happy now and I am glad. I just wish I hadn't fuck up so much until we don't even look at each other when we are in the same room. I just wish I could take all of my ego and stupidity and anger and jealousy back. I just wish you would have chased me.

More importantly, I just wish that the months we had together were not apart of a fairy tale I had in my mind because the truth is you do not at all feel the same about me. And I just wish I had realized the reality.

Sometimes I tell myself that what you did was wrong, which is true and to not ever let my guard down for you or anyone ever. But then, I look back at my mistakes and feel guilty about ruining our friendship.

But, let's face it. It was a two sided war. We both had our ego. We both made mistakes. We both ruined something that was meant to be great.

"If you love someone, you should always set them free."

At first, I never thought that it would be very similar to the situation since it's very untrue because I think that if you do love someone, you should always make the effort.

When you make no effort, you will lose something to treasure.

I made no effort not because I wanted to lose our relationship. I made no effort because I know by letting you go, your life would be way better without me.

And it has been, hasn't it? You are happier now, aren't you?

I feel gutted that we do not talk anymore but I am glad that you are happy.

Because your happiness actually means more to me than our relationship. And if that doesn't tell you something, then I don't know how else I could express it.