Wednesday, August 5, 2015

I do not wish to be beautiful, anymore.

I should understand why I don't come off as a beautiful person be it from a lover's or a friend's perspective. I am not at all close to what I personally pertain beautiful as. I just feel that being a beautiful person is not just by their physical beauty, but by how kind and good of a heart they own.

Today, I realize that I am not someone with a beautiful set of heart or desire or soul or even beautiful set of physical features. I see it, and it's true. Which is why I don't have people gushing over me. People don't even talk about me. It's because I am not a remembered person. I am not the kind of person that people will praise on my non-existent talents. I am just not credited. I am not an interesting enough topic for people to talk about.

I am not a good person either. I have done a lot of wrong to a lot of people and to myself. I lost faith in myself and still go on my days without realizing that it could be my last. I tend to push people away to not only delete all of my feelings but also to be selfish and get what I want. I have burned bridges that could have created a path to some sort of greatness in my life. Basically, I have trouble getting my feelings in tact.

It's not the fact that I want people to talk about me. It's the fact that for once, I just wish people would say the good things and someone could get back to me about it.

Every single person who knows me and are currently reading this couldn't even name a single good thing about me even if I asked.

Surprising, huh? I may come off as confident, but deep down, I am the most insecure person in the room. You don't see it that way because I go on all the time saying how "gorgeous" or "fabulous" I look, but truth be told, all those are based on the clothes I wear and the impressive make-up skills. I may look good, but I don't feel good. I don't feel good about myself, about my body, about my face. Trying to make myself look gorgeous is exhausting.

If I were to do something about it for myself, there will always, always be something putting me down. I understand that no human is perfect. We all have our insecurities. We are not always happy about ourselves. Being confident is not as easy as it looks. I tell people to stay positive and not care about what others think. It's what I think about myself that kills me.

Maybe my physical features and personality traits are not all that matters in a beauty category but, come on... Do we all really know what beauty actually is, though?

Saturday, August 1, 2015

1:00 AM

Why am I still so hung over you? What did you ever do to me that made me end up the way I feel about you now? To say you were special would be sort of an understatement. To say you were my best friend would be untrue. To say that I loved you would be the most ridiculous thing you would ever hear coming out of my mouth.

I know that you are happy now and I am glad. I just wish I hadn't fuck up so much until we don't even look at each other when we are in the same room. I just wish I could take all of my ego and stupidity and anger and jealousy back. I just wish you would have chased me.

More importantly, I just wish that the months we had together were not apart of a fairy tale I had in my mind because the truth is you do not at all feel the same about me. And I just wish I had realized the reality.

Sometimes I tell myself that what you did was wrong, which is true and to not ever let my guard down for you or anyone ever. But then, I look back at my mistakes and feel guilty about ruining our friendship.

But, let's face it. It was a two sided war. We both had our ego. We both made mistakes. We both ruined something that was meant to be great.

"If you love someone, you should always set them free."

At first, I never thought that it would be very similar to the situation since it's very untrue because I think that if you do love someone, you should always make the effort.

When you make no effort, you will lose something to treasure.

I made no effort not because I wanted to lose our relationship. I made no effort because I know by letting you go, your life would be way better without me.

And it has been, hasn't it? You are happier now, aren't you?

I feel gutted that we do not talk anymore but I am glad that you are happy.

Because your happiness actually means more to me than our relationship. And if that doesn't tell you something, then I don't know how else I could express it.