Thursday, April 21, 2016

confessions: you're something to remember.

I had a friend, once. She died of cancer.

I don't know exactly when she came into my life, but I know she has always been there. It's sad. I can't remember her much. All I can remember is that we were in the same class for the first three years of primary. She was beautiful. She had pale skin and short hair, and she was a prefect like I was. I remember in Year 3, it was a rainy day. I sat with her at the front of the class. I think it was a free period. We couldn't stop singing Simple Plan's Shut Up when it first came out. It was one of those memories. It was a pointless time, but it's the only thing I remember most. At least I didn't remember her when she was sick. I actually never knew she was sick, until one day, we had an assembly. I noticed that there was something different about her. I noticed that her face looked bloated. I didn't know what was wrong with her, so I asked. And she told me. And she didn't seem scared. She told me she was sick and had a tumor in her brain. I didn't know what that was. I didn't know it could take lives away. I just told her to get better soon, and walked away. And that was the last conversation I had with her. During Year 4 and Year 5, I had moved into an upper class. I got separated from the people who were in Lili. I made new friends. I was accepted into a new chapter on a different book. I wish I had knew what a tragedy it was. I wish I knew that I should spend the last few moments knowing her. Nothing seemed bad when I was that age. And then the news hit me. I never went to her funeral. I wanted to believe it wasn't real.

I had a friend, once. We fell apart.

I met her when I was in kindergarten. I think I was five. She was small and loud. We became best friends and were inseparable. In (I think) 2004, she had to move to another school. I remember always visiting her during school holidays. We'd go swimming in her backyard. There was a time when her pool turned green, and of course we couldn't use the pool. So, we pretended to have a photoshoot near the pool, instead... I was clumsy enough that I fell into her dirty pool and dragged her sister along. Ever since then, it was always a story that came up every time we got the chance to meet. There were also times we baked cookies and played with her rabbits. There were so many childhood memories spent with this kid. In 2009, we were truly reunited in the same school. We were in different classes, but still next to each other. That's when I realized, people do change and don't share common grounds anymore. We didn't end things on a bad note, but we just grew up and grew apart. I think that if we were to reunite again soon, nothing would be different. We spent a childhood together, we could spend an adulthood together too. Sadly, we're just two different people who are away from each other.

I had a friend, once. We were in love.

I still talk about him. I still write about him. To those who truly know me, they will understand what kind of emotions I am dealing with. It's painful. And it's my fault, for the most part. He isn't the ideal guy that I thought I'd be with, but he was perfect. We got together when I was fourteen. We ended things when we were fifteen. Thinking about it now, I don't even know what he ever saw in me. All I ever did was try and start a flame, and I was never sorry for that. I was constantly angry at him because all I ever wanted was for him to be with me. I ended things because I didn't want to be potentially fucked over. He eventually started dating other girls, but we rekindled our friendship in early 2014. It was the best first half of my year. My feelings grew and I got scared. Eventually, I decided to runaway from those feelings because deep down, I know it's never meant to be. I ran away from him. I know I've hurt him in a way. But I was hurting too, from not getting what I want. I still wonder how he is. One of our mutual friends asked him the possibility of us having a friendship again. His answer disappointed me. It's not that he said no. He said that he has no problem with it now. And I know why. Because he's finally moved on. It's easy for him to act like I wasn't being stupid, but it's not easy for me to pretend that I'm okay he's happier without me. I'm glad he's happy, though. I will always be. Maybe one day I'll realize that I have to let go, eventually. But, for now... I can admit that it's comfortable thinking about him. I could consider him as a muse for my heartache.

I had a friend, once. I decided to grow up.

Turning eighteen has made so many differences in my life. I start to realize the people who are worth my time. Sometimes, people just treat you like shit. Either without thinking or on purpose, it still hurts. This friend, I didn't knew her when we were younger, although we were in the same primary. I got close to her when I was fourteen. I never knew how much difference two people can have, until one starts showing their true colors to the other. I guess it's the fantasy that she's been living in. She has made multiple of stupid decisions, and I guess it was my fault for not telling her. I guess it was my fault thinking she didn't need my help. Maybe she still doesn't. Being with a person you really care about who makes you unhappy and uncomfortable can really fuck you over for days. You start doubting yourself. You start doubting the friendship. I don't tell her why because she has a way of not caring. You think you're important to someone, but you're actually not. It sucks because I know the extent she went through. I tried to take her rants and college drama on a collective level, but eventually... It's just the same, stupid, boring crap over and over again. It's pointless to advice. It's pointless to share your thoughts. I wouldn't I'm mad at her, I have no right to be. I guess she taught me a little to be selfish of your own feelings. And that's exactly what I managed to do. Putting yourself first over anybody else is better than to have an emotional roller coaster with them. And I guess that's the first step of me making my own decision to leave people who bring negativity into my life.

I understand that I have done things. I understand that some things are my fault. But we can't only put myself to blame here. I've destroyed bridges, hoping to build new ones, but I'm the kind of person who will stay still and only overthink of my next action, instead of doing something about it.

Sunday, April 17, 2016

for the lucky ones.

*Note: I wrote this a couple of days ago. It was two o'clock in the morning. I was emotional and tired. I didn't want to edit anything else because it's hard for me to think of the perfect amount of words and description for this particular piece. Also, this is the first sort of "story", if you will, that I wrote since a very long time. My writing skills are yet to be completely oiled. This was inspired by a song, Angels by Mayday Parade. You could consider this as a raw material. I will try and perfect it and add more things whenever I have the time. Also, I have been writing a lot recently. Mostly on my journal. But, if you want to check out my other pieces, click my Tumblr here. A little warning, though... There are tons of emo stuff. Lots of love, Soph.

For years, I imagined this day would come.

The hall of the mosque that is used for various occasions are decorated with beautiful sets of flowers. All of them went with a theme, purple and white, and so did I, wearing a purple dress that was simple, yet elegant enough.

Some of the family members are busy tidying up the place and getting some final things done before the big event starts, and others have filled the hall by sitting patiently for the ceremony to begin. There is no need for anymore attention to the decorations. It was already time, and everything looks perfect the way it is.

I took a quick minute and step out of the hall to look for the man I love. The situation outside was no different than it was inside. I saw a group of men hustling themselves, fixing their samping and songkok. My eyes caught a glimpse of the best man giving the groom a pep talk. There he stood, the man of the night, at the end of the aisle. He looks even more handsome than he already is, yet I can tell how nervous he was. I took all of the courage and bravery to talk to him, even though I know it’s not the right time. He shifted his eyes from his best man towards me. My heart pounded even more than it should be.

“You know you’re not supposed to be here,” he joked. I just laughed. I couldn’t form any words to say. I just can’t believe it’s all happening. Right now.

He gave me a twirl and asked “Do I look okay?”

“You look like you’re ready for this.” I said.

“I am… And I hope you are too.”

Just as he was, I can feel my anxiety bubbling up a little too much. I feel so overwhelmed by everything that irrelevant questions start to appear. Is this too soon? Is this even right? But as usual, I left these questions unanswered.

“It’s going to be amazing,” I said, looking him in the eyes. “I promise.”

“I know,” he told me. “I can’t wait to start a new life with the woman I truly love.”

Our conversation is interrupted by the best man telling everyone to get ready. The groomsmen, certain family members and the man I am sure I am in love with will be walking down the aisle in less than two minutes. It was a hectic atmosphere but everyone was excited and happy.

“That’s my cue. I’ll see you in a bit, yeah?” he asked me assuringly. I just nodded. That’s the only movement my muscles are able to do. He gave me one last smile and got into position. The kompang starts playing and everybody knows that’s a sign of the beginning of a beautiful Malay wedding.

Him and the groomsmen entered the hall with confidence. The groomsmen placed all of the deliveries such as a pair of embroider shoes for the bride, a set of makeup and telekung on the floor carefully next to the deliveries from the bride’s side. As he takes his seat by the tok kadi, the solemnisation begins. It’s showtime.

After the exchange of poetry and discussions of the deliveries, it was time for the main part of the occasion, the welcoming of the bride. These next few minutes are the heaviest of my life.

Along with everyone else in the hall, I saw his eyes shifting to the entrance, just as where I stood. I look behind to where I was standing, and there she was. The love of his life. As she makes her way into the hallway, she noticed me. She gave me a smile and whispered, “I’m glad you made it.” And again, the only muscles that I was able to use were the movements of my head, nodding and hiding the fact that this whole situation pains me.

As everything else went along, I couldn’t pay anymore attention to what was happening. I felt like I was dreaming a nightmare. All I could think about was the three years he and I shared. Was it all a waste? Or were they the best years of my life? He was the space that filled in a void. I tortured myself thinking that I had to get away from him. I wanted to prevent myself from being hurt that I eventually hurt myself. But I guess he gets the last laugh.

I came back to my senses when I heard people started clapping and saying ‘Alhamdulillah’. My eyes never left him. I want to see his face one last time. He stood up and searched about the room, finally placing his eyes on mine. I gave him a big smile and mouthed “Congrats,” while giving him a thumbs up.

And that’s that. He is officially another woman’s husband.

As everyone in the hall is satisfied with the ceremony, I turned around and walked away, but unlike the last time I did this, I don’t expect him to chase me like how he never did.

Sunday, April 10, 2016

Stress Awareness Month: How I "Deal" With Stress.

I've drafted a few posts that I thought of posting, but I was thinking nah since they're too emotional. I want to end this month on a good note. A lot of shit happened and I want to talk about it here but I think I've drained myself from talking about it to other people.

My finals are around the corner. Literally. It's on the 25th. Which explains why I've been lacking on blogging. I guess I don't know how to be consistent. I need a specific routine for these things because my life is in shambles.

But, here's how this post is gonna go... Did you guys know it's Stress Awareness Month? Crazy how that falls on the last month of my first year. So, I'll be talking about how I deal with my stress. This was an idea I wanted to do as a video, but I don't have the confidence (or energy at this point) to sit in front of a camera and talk. And I am also a lazy piece of shit. Update on camera: It still doesn't have a charger.

Here's the truth. I don't know how to actually deal with my stress.

I've noticed that at every end of the semester, it's the time to let everything out. Depression comes by and say hello. Anxiety knocks on the door when I give presentations. So, here are a few ways and tips on how I deal with stress.

  1. Think about all the bad stuff, then cry at night. Scream while crying. Or just stress laugh. Trust me, stress laugh will get the weight off your shoulders, but only for a little while. Then, sleep.
  2. Drop everything. Keep yourself away from priorities. Seriously, if I have too much to do, and I overthink about the stuff that I should do, I just go "Fuck it."
  3. Re-evaluate what you're actually doing with your life. Rethink. Re-do, if possible.
  4. Procrastinate, obviously. I've been watching Baby Daddy this past week and I'm at the end of season three. Can't wait for Riley-Danny drama.
  5. Avoid everybody and ignore all the friends I have. I've recently deleted my Twitter app because too many fake bitches going around. What is this, high school?
  6. Pray and ask Him "Why?!"
  7. Make lists for stuff to do or watch during the two week semester break. I need to cram a lot of things to do before the new semester because Afreena will be home (yay!!!) and my next month will be my birthday month.
  8. Find out your friend who claims to tell you that she doesn't even study for quizzes and tests just so you feel comfortable you didn't too, but she gets the highest fucking score.
  9. Eat. A lot.
You may find some of the things in common from the list above, but there are reasons that these ways makes me better and stronger once I've come to my senses. I try to end things positively. And here's how they've helped.

  1. Letting everything out is the best way to deal with stress. I will actually feel better. I may start feeling shitty at first, but after that, I'll say to myself "Fuck these people, I'm going to do my own thing." And this works especially if I'm dealing with tardiness in a group work.
  2. Drop everything because I need time to step away from a very negative zone. Stress brings a lot of bad vibes, and once I leave stuff, I try and not let it follow me and not overthink. I'll listen to music or go for a run or generally just be outdoors.
  3. This is where I start to really think of what I'm going to do with my life. I keep thinking about my future and goals and the fact that I won't stop for anything to achieve them.
  4. We all do this. We all procrastinate. It's a given, we're all lazy pieces of shits. At the end of the day, I don't want to think about all the things I have to deal with. So, I take time for myself to watch a comedy. Seeing other people's lives getting wrecked will make me feel better. I also watch bad auditions from reality singing shows or My Strange Addiction to make myself a hundred times better. Also, I tend to do my work at the last minute. This kinda gives me the energy to think quicker and get stuff done faster. And there are perks to my procrastination like cleaning my entire room. 
  5. Twitter has been the least of my worries lately. I deleted the app ever since I know what it's like to be victimized as an "indirect tweet". And twitter has a lot of bad vibes as well. Everyday, there would be an idiot who would retweet stupid, irrelevant shit. I've muted and blocked way too many people to even care. Plus, deleting the app made me have more time for more important things in my life.
  6. Praying is obviously very important. Komi taught me that without faith & belief, there would be no success. I'm still trying to complete all five in a day. When praying, I try my hardest to not think about what to do after because then, I wouldn't be kusyuk. And whenever after I pray, I would take the time to sit on the praying mat and just think.
  7. Making lists are fun! I've written down what shows to binge-watch, what stuff to do for my birthday, places to go with Afreena, books to read. And I write these all on my 2016 diary since it'll be easier for me to refer back on what to do. Making lists will make me feel excited for the things yet to come.
  8. This step is specific for a reason. Once I find out that there is someone actually better than me at what I love studying, I get competitive. Which is a good thing, personally. I have to beat her because she claims to say one thing then achieves another. It's not fair because I feel betrayed for a reason. And because of that "betrayal", I want to be the best at everything.
  9. Just eat a lot. Chocolates, sushi, burgers, tom yam, kuey teow. Any of these makes me happy.

There you go. Now you know my secret.

I never know how to end a blog post, so I'll end it with a random fact about me.

I never had a nose bleed. I was thinking about this when I was watching She's The Man and I've been wondering what if ever since.

Stay tuned for my next post, which will probably be next month, insyaAllah.