Thursday, April 21, 2016

confessions: you're something to remember.

I had a friend, once. She died of cancer.

I don't know exactly when she came into my life, but I know she has always been there. It's sad. I can't remember her much. All I can remember is that we were in the same class for the first three years of primary. She was beautiful. She had pale skin and short hair, and she was a prefect like I was. I remember in Year 3, it was a rainy day. I sat with her at the front of the class. I think it was a free period. We couldn't stop singing Simple Plan's Shut Up when it first came out. It was one of those memories. It was a pointless time, but it's the only thing I remember most. At least I didn't remember her when she was sick. I actually never knew she was sick, until one day, we had an assembly. I noticed that there was something different about her. I noticed that her face looked bloated. I didn't know what was wrong with her, so I asked. And she told me. And she didn't seem scared. She told me she was sick and had a tumor in her brain. I didn't know what that was. I didn't know it could take lives away. I just told her to get better soon, and walked away. And that was the last conversation I had with her. During Year 4 and Year 5, I had moved into an upper class. I got separated from the people who were in Lili. I made new friends. I was accepted into a new chapter on a different book. I wish I had knew what a tragedy it was. I wish I knew that I should spend the last few moments knowing her. Nothing seemed bad when I was that age. And then the news hit me. I never went to her funeral. I wanted to believe it wasn't real.

I had a friend, once. We fell apart.

I met her when I was in kindergarten. I think I was five. She was small and loud. We became best friends and were inseparable. In (I think) 2004, she had to move to another school. I remember always visiting her during school holidays. We'd go swimming in her backyard. There was a time when her pool turned green, and of course we couldn't use the pool. So, we pretended to have a photoshoot near the pool, instead... I was clumsy enough that I fell into her dirty pool and dragged her sister along. Ever since then, it was always a story that came up every time we got the chance to meet. There were also times we baked cookies and played with her rabbits. There were so many childhood memories spent with this kid. In 2009, we were truly reunited in the same school. We were in different classes, but still next to each other. That's when I realized, people do change and don't share common grounds anymore. We didn't end things on a bad note, but we just grew up and grew apart. I think that if we were to reunite again soon, nothing would be different. We spent a childhood together, we could spend an adulthood together too. Sadly, we're just two different people who are away from each other.

I had a friend, once. We were in love.

I still talk about him. I still write about him. To those who truly know me, they will understand what kind of emotions I am dealing with. It's painful. And it's my fault, for the most part. He isn't the ideal guy that I thought I'd be with, but he was perfect. We got together when I was fourteen. We ended things when we were fifteen. Thinking about it now, I don't even know what he ever saw in me. All I ever did was try and start a flame, and I was never sorry for that. I was constantly angry at him because all I ever wanted was for him to be with me. I ended things because I didn't want to be potentially fucked over. He eventually started dating other girls, but we rekindled our friendship in early 2014. It was the best first half of my year. My feelings grew and I got scared. Eventually, I decided to runaway from those feelings because deep down, I know it's never meant to be. I ran away from him. I know I've hurt him in a way. But I was hurting too, from not getting what I want. I still wonder how he is. One of our mutual friends asked him the possibility of us having a friendship again. His answer disappointed me. It's not that he said no. He said that he has no problem with it now. And I know why. Because he's finally moved on. It's easy for him to act like I wasn't being stupid, but it's not easy for me to pretend that I'm okay he's happier without me. I'm glad he's happy, though. I will always be. Maybe one day I'll realize that I have to let go, eventually. But, for now... I can admit that it's comfortable thinking about him. I could consider him as a muse for my heartache.

I had a friend, once. I decided to grow up.

Turning eighteen has made so many differences in my life. I start to realize the people who are worth my time. Sometimes, people just treat you like shit. Either without thinking or on purpose, it still hurts. This friend, I didn't knew her when we were younger, although we were in the same primary. I got close to her when I was fourteen. I never knew how much difference two people can have, until one starts showing their true colors to the other. I guess it's the fantasy that she's been living in. She has made multiple of stupid decisions, and I guess it was my fault for not telling her. I guess it was my fault thinking she didn't need my help. Maybe she still doesn't. Being with a person you really care about who makes you unhappy and uncomfortable can really fuck you over for days. You start doubting yourself. You start doubting the friendship. I don't tell her why because she has a way of not caring. You think you're important to someone, but you're actually not. It sucks because I know the extent she went through. I tried to take her rants and college drama on a collective level, but eventually... It's just the same, stupid, boring crap over and over again. It's pointless to advice. It's pointless to share your thoughts. I wouldn't I'm mad at her, I have no right to be. I guess she taught me a little to be selfish of your own feelings. And that's exactly what I managed to do. Putting yourself first over anybody else is better than to have an emotional roller coaster with them. And I guess that's the first step of me making my own decision to leave people who bring negativity into my life.

I understand that I have done things. I understand that some things are my fault. But we can't only put myself to blame here. I've destroyed bridges, hoping to build new ones, but I'm the kind of person who will stay still and only overthink of my next action, instead of doing something about it.